INTRODUCTION
Children, although you might expect
My manners to be quite correct
(For since I fancy I can teach,
I ought to practice what I preach),
'Tis true that I have often braved
My mother's wrath, and misbehaved!
And almost every single rule
I broke, before I went to school!
For that is how I learned the way
To teach you etiquette to-day.
So when you chance to take a look
At all the maxims in the book,
You'll see that most of them are true,
I found them out, and so will you,
For if you are as GOOP derided,
You may perhaps reform, as I did!



A BAD TRICK
The meanest trick I ever knew
Was one I know you never do.
I saw a Goop once try to do it,
And there was nothing funny to it.
He pulled a chair from under me
As I was sitting down; but he
Was sent to bed, and rightly, too.
It was a horrid thing to do!



WHEN TO GO
When you go visiting,
Never stay too late;
You will wear your welcome out
If you hesitate!
Just before they're tired of you,
Just before they yawn,
Before they think you are a Goop,
And wish that you were gone,
While they're laughing with you,
While they like you so,
While they want to keep you,—
That's the time to go!



NELL THE NIBBLER
She ate some chocolate drops at 1,
At 2, she thought she'd take
A little jelly and a bun;
At 3, some frosted cake.
At 4, she nibbled at a roll;
At 5, a doughnut spied,
And ate it (all except the hole),
And then some cookies tried.
At 6, she didn't feel quite right,
And didn't care for dinner.
She said she had no appetite,
With so much Goop-food in her!



A PUZZLE
There are about a thousand things
I'm not allowed to do;
Most everything I'm fondest of
I'm told is wrong—are you?
They say, "Please don't do that, my child!"
They say, "You mustn't, dear!"
I hope sometime I'll learn what's right,
For now it seems so queer!



HELP OTHERS
You who are the oldest,
You who are the tallest,
Don't you think you ought to help
The youngest and the smallest?
You who are the strongest,
You who are the quickest,
Don't you think you ought to help
The weakest and the sickest?
Never mind the trouble,
Help them all you can;
Be a little woman!
Be a little man!
 


PIANO TORTURE
Pianos are considered toys
By Goops, and naughty girls and boys;
They pound upon the keys,
They lift the cover up, on top,
To see the little jiggers hop,
And both the pedals squeeze!
But instruments so rich and fine
(Especially if they're not mine)
I ought to treat with care;
So when my elder sister plays
She'll find it is in tune always,
Nor injured anywhere!



AT TABLE
Why is it Goops must always wish
To touch each apple on the dish?
Why do they never neatly fold
Their napkins until they are told?
Why do they play with food, and bite
Such awful mouthfuls? Is it right?
Why do they tilt back in their chairs?
Because they're Goops! So no one cares!



HOW TO EAT SOUP
 Whenever you are eating soup
Remember not to be a Goop!
And if you think to say this rhyme,
Perhaps 'twill help you every time:
Like little boats that put to sea,
I push my spoon AWAY from me;
I do not tilt my dish, nor scrape
The last few drops, like hungry ape!
Like little boats, that, almost filled,
Come back without their cargoes spilled,
My spoon sails gently to my lips,
Unloading from the SIDE, like ships.



SICK FURNITURE
Sitting on the table,
Standing on the chairs,
That's the way the legs are broken and the cushion tears!
How'd you like to pay the bill for varnish and repairs?



THE GOOP PICNIC
They came to the best sort of place for a rest,
On the grass, with the trees overhead,
They sat down in a bunch and they opened their lunch,
And they had a be-autiful spread!
And when they were done, and they'd had all their fun,
They proved they were Goops, or were blind;
For they picked up their wraps and they left all their scraps
For the next picnic party to find!



BOOK-MANNERS
If you scribble on your books,
How disgustable it looks!
Here a word, and there a scrawl,
Silly pictures over all!
Take a paper, or a slate,
If you want to decorate!



CHEATING
I thought I saw a little Goop
Who didn't pay his fare;
I looked again; the passengers
Were gazing at him, there.
"They think that he's a thief!" I said;
"I wonder does he care?"
GOOP! GOOP! GOOP!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
I wish you'd wash your face!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
Your hands are a disgrace!
Goop! Goop! Goop!
Put things back in their place!
I wish you were polite,
Instead of a
Goop! Goop! Goop!




PICKING
When you are fetching bread, I trust
You never nibble at the crust
When in the kitchen, do you linger
And pinch the cookies with your finger?
Or do you peck the frosted cake?
Don't do it, please, for Mother's sake!



INDOLENCE
There was a Goop who lay in bed
Till half-past eight, the sleepy-head!
He couldn't find his pants, for
He'd thrown them somewhere on the floor!
He couldn't find his reading-book;
He had forgotten where to look!
His breakfast grew so very cold,
This lazy Goop began to scold;
And then he blamed his mother, kind!
"You made me late to school!" he whined.




THE LAW OF HOSPITALITY
There is a very simple rule
That every one should know;
You may not hear of it in school,
But everywhere you go,
In every land where people dwell,
And men are good and true,
You'll find they understand it well,
And so I'll tell it you:
To every one who gives me food,
Or shares his home with me,
I owe a debt of gratitude,
And I must loyal be.
I may not laugh at him, or say
Of him a word unkind;
His friendliness I must repay,
And to his faults be blind!



PUPPY GOOPS
Candy in the cushions
Of the easy-chair;
Raisins in the sofa—
How did they get there?
The little Goop who's greedy
Does it every day,
Like a little puppy,
Hiding bones away!


EXAGGERATION
Don't try to tell a story
To beat the one you've heard;
For if you try, you're apt to lie,
And that would be absurd!
Don't try to be more funny
Than any one in school;
For if you're not, they'll laugh a lot,
And think you are a fool!
 


NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
Do you slam the door?
Do you drag your feet?
Making noise enough for four
Hundred thousand Goops, or more,
Tearing up the street?
Clattering down the stairs,
Storming through the hall,
Pounding floors, upsetting chairs,
Do you think your father cares
For your noise, at all?



A GOOP PARTY
"Please come to my party!" said Jenny to Prue;
"I'm going to have Willy, and Nelly, and you;
I'm going to have candy and cake and ice-cream,
We'll play Hunt-the-Slipper, we'll laugh and we'll scream.
We'll dress up in caps, we'll have stories and tricks,
And you won't have to go till a quarter past six!"
But alas! When she mentioned her party, at tea,
Her mother said, "No! It can't possibly be!"
So Jane had to go and explain to her friends,
And that is how many a Goop party ends!
Just speak to your mother before you invite,
And then it's more likely to happen all right!



INQUISITIVENESS
I gave a letter to a Goop
To take to Mrs. Bird;
And what d'you think he went and did?
He read it, every word!
Now, isn't that the rudest thing
That you have ever heard?
Why, he would peep through keyholes,
And listen at the door!
And open parcels, just to see
What came from every store!
Now, have you ever ever heard
Of such a Goop before?



DON'T BE GOOD
Just because you want to go
To the circus, or the show;
But, when all your fun is o'er,
Be as good as you were before!



DON'T BE BAD
Just as long as you dare to be,
Because your mother doesn't see.
Do not wait for her to scold,
But be just as good as gold!


WET FEET
Down the street together,
In the rainy weather,
Went a pair of little boys along;
One of them went straying
In the gutters playing,
Doing all his mother said was wrong;
One of them went dashing
Into puddles splashing,
Under dripping eaves that soaked him through;
One of them avoided
All the other boy did,
Dodging all the slimy, slushy goo.
One of them grew chilly;
Said he felt so ill he
Knew he'd caught a cold, and coughed a lot!
The other was so warm he
Said he liked it stormy!
Which of them was Goop, and which was not?



DRESS QUICKLY!
All your life you'll have to dress,
Every single day (unless
You should happen to be sick),
Why not learn to do it quick?
Hang your clothes the proper way,
So you'll find them fresh next day;
Treat them with a little care,
Fold them neatly on a chair;
So, without a bit of worry,
You can dress in quite a hurry.
Think of the slovenly Goops, before
You strew your clothing on the floor!




THE REASON WHY
Everybody liked Ezekiel.
Why?
You could scarcely find his equal.
Why?
If he made a mistake,
He said he was wrong;
If he went on an errand,
He wasn't gone long;
He never would bully,
Although he was strong!
Everybody hated Mello.
Why?
He was such a surly fellow.
Why?
If you asked him for candy,
He'd hide his away;
He never would play
What the rest wished to play;
He would say horrid words
That he oughtn't to say!




IMPOSSIBLE!
There once was a Goop (it is hard to believe
Such unpleasant behavior of you!)
Who always was wiping his nose on his sleeve;
I hope that this Goop wasn't you!
He always was spitting (for fun, I suppose),
I couldn't believe, it of you!
And putting his fingers up into his nose;
I KNOW that this Goop wasn't you!